The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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