Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
