Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
