dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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