I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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