i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
