If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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