ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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