jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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