Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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