just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
