so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Are we still banned from the library?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
