I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
