finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
