Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
