Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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