her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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