Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
