I faked an abortion last night.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
