I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
