i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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