You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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