??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
