Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
