meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
