I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
