We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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