so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My feet surprised me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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