I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
