I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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