so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
