Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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