I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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