My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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