with your own penis?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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