I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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