My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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