We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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