look no pants
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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