Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
