Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
