that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
