I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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