with your own penis?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
