Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
