its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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