I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
