if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
