It's like a parade of train wrecks.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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