i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
