I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
